Monday, September 7, 2009

The Ec-pic: Once Upon a Time

Sooo. Once upon a time there was this guy named Alfred walking down the street. He was walking to get groceries. But since he didn't have a car, he had to carry all of his groceries back to his house in a skateboard. As you can imagine, this is very difficult to do. As he was riding, Alfred hit a bump in the sidewalk and went flying into a very pretty lady. He was dumbfounded by her beauty and completely forgot about his groceries. They talked for a while and Alfred foudn out that she really loved the movie Dan in Real Life. It was love at first sight! So he worked up the courage and asked if she would like to go bowling with him. You see, Alfred was a pretty quirky guy and enjoyed activities like bowlling with no shoes on. So he asked her and she said she totally loved bowling! Bu that she thought it was a little creepy that Alfred like to bowl without shoes. Alfred told her that he was just kidding and that he was just being quirky again. He realized he was growing really close with the girl when suddenly a fight broke out and the girl was whisked away by some guy. Alfred was heartbroken and set out to find her. He decided to start skateboarding across the country to find her. He soon realized that she must be close by deductive reasoning, and located her only an hour away by automobile, wheter it be car or bus. So he rode public transportation to her only to find that she was already looking for him. It's just that the guy who took her took all of her money so she couldn't afford the bus. So she had resorted to waiting for him everyday at the bus stop. When Alfred heard this he jumped for joy! they decided to watch dan in real life together and they both thoroughly enjoyed it. After the movie though, alfred had to go back to college haha. and they never saw one another again.... JUST KIDDING. they saw one another all the time. the girl found herself missing a name. BAH were her initials and her name was brittany ann holander. So the girl decided that she was lonely without alfred. she missed him terribly, and wished she could see him all the time. so she moved to live right down the street from him and they often went on night walks. but on one such night walk something very strange happened. alfred told brittany to look up. they saw shooting stars! they were very awesome. brittany told alfred to make a wish. he did. then she asked him what he wished for but alfred wouldn't; he knew it wouldn't come true if he did. instead, he grabbed brittany's hand and told her to come with him. he led her to a little cave where he had set up a candle-lit meal. they dined together on some picnic food, and brittany especially loved the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. it was the perfect meal and the perfect ending to a great night. alfred looked at brittany and said i guess wishes really do come true. brittany said why do you say that? and alfred said "tonight, i wished to just spend time with you, the two of us. and here we are." brittany realized that his wish had come true, but still wanted her wish to come true. to try to get her wish to come true, she leaned in closer and they totally kissed! it was definitly a night to remember. as alfred was walking her home he said "brittany, i know we've only know each other for two weeks, but you are the one for me." he bent down on one knee and proposed. brittany said yes! and was overjoyed. they got married and watched dan in real life together everyday. it was ec-pic. After their marriage, they decided they wanted to grow as a family. so they had a cute child and named him Nate. So Nate, Alfred and Brittany moved into a larger house together, finding their neighbors to be rather crazy. They enjoyed pastimes such as skydiving and deep sea fishing. On the weekends they went to underwater basketweaving with them and became state champions. After they found out that they won the chamionship. They went to celebrate by going to Baskin Robbins and eating many buckets of ice cream but they got super fat and they had to go on a diet which consisted of bread and water. After getting back into shape, the Holander Family decided to move to New Mexico where they would raise Alpaca. But they decided that Alpaca weren't for them and decided to instead sell all of their Alpaca and start a company that makes plastic penguins which are quite popular in the New Mexico area. But that failed as well so instead they moved back to the town where they used to live and then Brittany and Alfred decided that Nate needed a sibling and lo and behold nine months later SARAH BZ WAS BORN! Thinking that they were very saavy and creative, Alfred and Brittany wrote her a rap/poem for her birth, relating her to her brother. It went something like

My name is SB-z
I like my mac cheesy
Nate is my bro-zezy
and he likes to keep it PG-z
Waiting for the ellipses

After writing that riveting poem, Sarah performed it at a poetry slam and was discovered by a CNN reporter. They wanted Sarah to replace them, so they offered her the job on the spot. Sarah decided that it would be a great opportunity for a baby, and took the job. At her first day of work she had a ton of fun being the spokeperson for Pampers which was a booming business in their day. Nate was very jealous of Sarah's success and decided to take up gambling. He learned to count cards and roll die perfectly so that he would always win. He won so much money so quickly that he was able to retire at age 22. This allowed the family to go on an all-expenses paid trip Japan where they spent their time eating fresh made sushi. A delicious treat. They visited the emperor and enjoyed watching tai kwon do masters person in the moonlight. It was the perfect vacation until Sarah's friend who is a boy called her and told her that he had just almost kissed a guy at college. Sarah was confused and decided to never talk to him again, claiming to be in a relationship that didn't really exsist. Nate, still jealous decided to do something spontaneous and blog about all of his adventures in Africa. There he went on a safari where he saw all of the awesome animals that live in the Sahara. While Nate was daydreaming about home, tragedy struck! Brittany was suddenly taken ill with a deadly strain of the common cold. You see, she was somewhat old and frail, having been held captive many years ago had weakened her immune system. She was on her deathbed when suddenly, In through the front door walked that jerk who had stolen her years ago. He came to apologize but Brittany called Alfred over. Alfred decided to take matters into his own hands and avenge his one true love by giving the man a hug. You see, if the man hadn't taken Brittany years ago, then Alfred never would have known how much he missed her and how much he loved her. He allowed the man to be forgiven by Brittany then swiflty escorted him off the premises. Alfred went back upstairs with his wife's favorite drink, strawberry milk, and found that she was miraculously healed by the power of Arizona Iced Tea because of it's superior taste which Sarah had brought her while Alfred was talking with the strange man. After Alfred made this discovery, they watched a youtube video about this black woman with red highlights in her hair. she was a goofy lady, and the video improved the mood greatly. they decided to blog about their family adventures online, and their story turned out to be the biggest internet phenomenon since lolcats. they then decided to take their little family show on the road. Since they were all very musical, they decided to sing the sound of music soundtrack at various venues around the country. Their most favorite venue by far was House of Blues. One day while they were singing for the President and the First Lady President lincoln was assassinated by john wilkes booth. it was devastating for the whole country, but especially for brittany's family since they were part of the reason lincoln died. they felt so bad that they wrote the first lady a letter apologizing that it was at their performance that this tragedy occured. The First Lady knew that it was not their fault and was very appreciative of the fact that the Holanders' were so kind and thoughtful. She gave them $1000 to buy themselves a time machine to travel to the present. they were surprised by all of the technological inventions, and especcially liked the george foreman grill. they were able to find many new friends in their new neighborhood, and loved their new neighbors so much that they decided to share their favorite way to get out of awkward situations with them. It was putting their pinky on their nose. Since their neighbors were pretty awkward, they found themselves using it all the time. One exceptionally awkward situation was when they were over at their neighbor's house and all of them were just sitting, trying to guess each other's favorite music. this got pretty boring and potentially flirtacious, so they used the pinky trick to peace it, only to find out that they had nowhere to go especially since the kids were asleep at home. As Brittany and Alfred ran out of the other building they decided to go to this music building called Nella. While they were at Nella they talked about people that they knew and brittany and alfred realized exactly how similar they are, despite having been married for so long. they missed their time together since having kids, and decided to go out once a week, just the two of them. however, this proved impossible because the next day Brittany's mother decided to visit and we all know how mother-in-law's are. She wouldn't let them spend any time together because she was always butting into their business. that's when Alfred and Brittany decided to pull a romantic move and run away together because their kids were now in college and could take care of themselves. They rode their bikes through the cornfields of america, finding great views and scenery. they rode so much that their tires began to wear out and they decided that there were better ways to travel. so they rented a hot air balloon and took off into the sky. It was so beautiful up there and they could see for miles. They actually saw the first place that they kissed and a flood of memories came back. As they sat remebering their beautiful life together they were interruped by a plane flying 50 feet above them. they were saddened that they couldn't hear each other talk, but knew that they both were completely happy in that moment. they began to ran out of gas, so they brought the balloon down to a reasonable height and jumped out and let the balloon float away. Now they were lost together in the middle of cornfields and they didn't mind at all. After sitting around talking till 7:30am they decided that they should probably find some sort of civilization before night. They walked hand in hand and found the beautiful city of peoria. it was not really the type of civilization that they were looking for, and decided that it was more fun to keep walking than suffer in poo-oria. so they left at 7:36 after grabbing some food and kept walking until they found a walgreens. While they were there they decided that the only way to stop their boredom was to create a giant slip and slide. They gathered all the materials and went up to check out but it was WAY too expensive. They didn't know what do to and thought about it for a while. Suddenly Alfred had a brilliant idea as always. He decided that it would be a fantastic idea to ride the buses for a long time. however, it turns out that the buses that alfred wanted to ride wouldn't allow women like brittany on them, so they had to rethink that plan. they found a way around it by sneaking brittany onto the bus. After getting on the bus they rode all the way to Glenview where they decided to go back to where they had first taken their night walks. they repeated that fateful night, and this time again they saw a shooting star and once again each made a wish. They sat in silence together and just enjoyed one another's company. It turns out that they made the same wish that night. This wish was that they would always have each other [insert sappy awww here]. And they did for as long as they lived which was quite a long time.

The End.

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