Discouraged

Man.

I really am just plain discouraged. I can't do anything but think about all the things I could be doing right now with my life and just how apparently ignorant I am to opportunities I have. I just did some EXTREME facebook stalking (that's besides the point) and got to see what people are doing for their summers. At least half of the people I knew in high school are living in another country for the summer.

WHAT!? One of the people I knew even has an internship in Tanzania. She's getting paiddddddddd. I have been trying to figure out how to visit my sponsor kids (in Tanzania) the cheapest way possible for a while now...

How did I not know about these things? I know I'm supposed to be here for the summer but it's just frustrating to not know about these options till now. Then again maybe that's for a reason because otherwise I probably wouldn't have been here for the summer. I probably wouldn't be gaining the knowledge I am gaining in order to do crazy things without needing a travel group. I probably wouldn't have the support of my parents. I probably would need a ton of money that I don't have in order make this happen.

It's good I'm not gone this summer. It's good that this stuff is all I can think about. Thinking is good; maybe it will take me somewhere.

My summer's mantra: God is in control.

Thinking

I feel like I haven't been able to have this many thoughts in a while. I have so many that I don't know where to begin. I feel like I need to make an outline first before I forget something important. It's kind of weird because last summer when I was doing something crazy and thought I would have all of these crazy insights to life, I didn't have very many. I just learned a lot which I guess are insights but I could barely think of things to blog about during that summer. Maybe there was just too much to talk about.

Now I sit here and my mind is running, no racing and I can't make it stop. I can't stop researching, learning, understanding and especially reflecting. That was something I wanted to grow in and I don't seem to want to do anything else. It's really easy for me this summer to say I don't want to hang out with people or to sit at home and do absolutely nothing. Bizarre. I guess it's some well needed rest from always running, always serving and always trying to think of others. Now I have to figure out what it all means, why I do what I do, and where I go from here with that passion.

Intense stuff, huh?

I guess the first thing I want to talk about is about how amazingly beautiful it is in Glenview this summer. It has rained a ton in this lowly little town and I honestly don't know if I have ever seen it this green. I went on a run two days ago and the contrast of the light bright blue sky and the various shades of green brought by the leaves of the trees and flowers with the scattering of color here and there with a flower bed made me stop and realize how much I take this place for granted sometimes. I do want to see the world, I do want to experience other ways of living and I want to see the natural untouched beauty God has provided us to see but sometimes I forget the beauty of the ivy climbing up a brick house where little children run around in the vibrant grass breathing in the hot, sticky summer air that beckons them to a game of water gun tag. Sometimes I forget about the yellow and black gigantic bumble bee that scares me so much on a back drop of pink and periwinkle flowers and just how colorful God made this place. The blue blue sky and the white white clouds with the sun so bright you can't even look at it. Dark, medium and light greens showing signs of life. Bird calls all around me and a warm breeze that isn't refreshing and makes you sweat just enough to feel like your getting a good tan. How beautiful has God made creation? I look around knowing that God made this place for us. If this is what a broken world looks like, I cannot wait to see a whole one. What an incredible thought and how exciting!

That's the beauty I feel right now. Those are the thoughts in my head and I'm only through bulletpoints 1 of 5 that I wanted to write about.

Next, my finger which I think I posted about yesterday. It looks really gross. Like really gross. I took a picture of it on my phone and I want to post it but I don't think you all can handle it. I tried to take off the bandaid today and it ripped off the outer layer that had sort of formed so it bled again for a while. Now I'm letting it air out and hoping that a scab will form soon. Through this experience though, I've learned how quickly your body can adapt to change. The most specific example is typing. I skinned my left index finger which is a pretty important typing finger but instead of typing one key at a time now or being really slow, the rest of my fingers on my left hand have picked up the slack quite nicely. I'm back to typing almost at regular speed.

That being said, there are a few things that I can't cut corners on which will be difficult to accept for the next few weeks as it heals. Piano and especially guitar. I am trying to not only self teach both but also to write a bunch. I guess for now I can just play chords really awkwardly on the piano. Who knows, maybe I will become an incredible lyricist because I can't focus on the music. Or a slam poet (is that even a term? I know a poetry slam is real...). Who knows.

The other thought that I have been having and that seems to be thrown in my face recently is how I am going to live my life after college and how I can get around the world in the absolute cheapest way possible to meet the most people I can. I have been doing research for the past few days on this and have been praying about it and almost feel like it should be something I seriously pursue for a while. I found an awesome website that allows you to connect with organic farmers throughout the world. You work for them for free and they give you food and shelter. I was specifically looking for farms in Israel. I could be making cheese next summer! haha. I also found that book that I posted about yesterday. It's quite good and I'm excited to finish reading it and then my mom told me to watch this movie called Into the Wild. She said I would like it. It's about a guy who graduates from Emory and drops everything he has and becomes a vagabond. His ultimate goal was to get to Alaska and I think he made it (the movie kinda hopped around every where) but he died after eating a poisonous plant. What I didn't like about the movie was the fact that Chris never contacted his parents even in a round about way. He just disappeared one day and they found him dead in a bus he had been living in for a while and they found all of his journals and diaries. That's crazy but it got me thinking.

It can be so easy to fall into the oblivion of life. To sit here and all of a sudden realize that once upon a time you had dreams and then wake up to the reality that you have been doing your desk job for 10 years planning to get out instead of getting out. I think that is the problem with our society at this point. Too much planning. I used to be a planner. I would make weekly, monthly, yearly and beyond goals ALL THE TIME. Thankfully after a long but much needed lesson about how God is in control I am much more able to live in the present and let the worries of tomorrow wait for tomorrow. I'm not saying don't plan I'm just saying that we live our lives in a way where we are always looking forward to the next thing.

It's a boyfriend, then marriage, then kids will make you happy. Then grandkids, retirement and moving to a little house on the beach. And then you realize at the end of your life that you were too busy working towards nothing that you forgot to look around and experience life and truly living.

If you got to here, I'm impressed...

Feel free to remark, observe, vent, ask questions, judge all that good stuff by commenting :)

Added Bonus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PzoxTgfRO0

My life is a Sitcom

Basically, that is what my friends and I from home have determined. It would be completely compelling and everyone would watch it. Basically the new Friends.

Today was fun, I went to church and the message was really good. Just what I needed at this point of my life and to sort of "kick off" summer if you will. It just reinforced how important prayer is. Then I came home and we decided to make a really delicious dinner tonight. Decided on shrimp, couscous and green beans. Then the rents went on a bike ride and I decided to go pick up a book in Northbrook. Ended up being a 12 mile bike ride which was awesome! I picked up a book called The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau which I'm stoked to read. Seems like a very me book. Made it back in time to start dinner and I was rinsing the shrimp when the glass bowl slipped out of my hand and it broke as I grabbed for it so I sliced my finger open. Not bad enough to go to the hospital but it like skinned it. Kind of crazy.

There was a reason that I wanted to blog today and I really can't remember why. I wish I could. Oh well. That's what you get people.

OH! On an unrelated note. I went to Molly's Cupcakes in Lincoln Park at got a chocolate chip cookie dough cupcake. Vanilla cupcake filled with chocolate chip cookie dough and topped with vanilla buttercream frosting and sprinkled with chocolate chips.

It was as good as it sounds...

Ahhh. The Joys of Summer

Summer is here everyone! I feel it both mentally and physically.

I can't seem to remember anything, my brain has decided to shutdown.

I seem to sleep a lot, my body has given up on the the late nights and early mornings.

Either way, life is good. I am excited to be home, see my broski a lot, have prayer on Thursday nights, so many things.

Started off the summer with LeaderShape, followed by the trip to D.C. (looove D.C. by the way) and now I'm in my hometown of Glenview once again.

Today is a pretty boring day. I have had plenty of time to think and I can only think of one thing, how do I get out of this place and into the world. Rae just got back from Israel and  wants to go back in December but I don't know how I would get there money-wise. Money ruins everything. Maybe I should just hitchhike around the world. I wonder if that is even possible.

I'm also trying to figure out a way to Tanzania to visit the two kids I sponsor, Lilian and Zahara. If I could get there for free, that would be awesome but whose gonna spend $1,000 on some girl to go visit her sponsor kids? Not too many people and unfortunately I don't know those people.

I am also trying to find a research grant. Anywhere. With no luck. I want to research microfinancing in the middle eastern and south asian countries. I just can't seem to find anything. And I can't seem to find a job. It sucks.

Just some thoughts

Wow. It has been a while.

I miss blogging. I miss remembering. I miss documenting the crazy things in my life that are going on.

Last night was insane. Osama Bin Laden was killed in Pakistan and the USA was in celebration. I heard via facebook that people were rallying in the quad but I figured that it was nothing. As I was lying in bed I started hearing loud chanting, "USA! USA! USA!" I look out my window and hundreds if not a couple thousand people were outside of Atkin-Colby rallying for the USA. My friends and I ran outside to join the madness and be a part of the experience. ISU students took over normal for one night. We walked down Main Street and down college avenue and kept gaining more and more students. There must have been 7,000-8,000 people outside and much more watching from the dorms. Everyone was chanting "USA" and singing the National Anthem. We all convened at Watterson and then everyone ran to the flagpole in the quad where we all did the Pledge of Allegiance. That was the most beautiful part of the night. I only wish this is how Americans acted on the Fourth of July, so proud of their country. I am not happy that Osama Bin Laden is dead. I have the greatest sympathy for his family and friends who probably knew a very different side of him but I am thankful that those affected by 9/11 (myself included) have some closure.

As we were walking Katie said what we were all thinking, "I wish we could get students this excited about anything. Imagine if we put this kind of energy into something productive." So true. I wish I could think of a good example but I can't.

We got back before the giant rush of people trying to check into the dorms got back. I laid in my bed and raised my hands to the Lord and thought wouldn't it be incredible if Christians rallied around Christ. I imagined a HUGE prayer walk that took over the streets of Bloomington-Normal that lead us to the flagpole at the quad where we sang to our King. Then I thought about Heaven. I thought of the chanting "USA! USA!" and "**** OSAMA" and I then heard "GOD ALMIGHTY" and "JESUS REIGNS". I thought of everyone rushing to the flagpole to say the Pledge and saw all of God's people in Heaven rushing to the throne of God and rallying around it and praising Him, our Creator. A little taste of Heaven.

I can't wait.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King

Overwhelmed

That's what I am right now as I am crying in my room feeling completely overwhelmed by everything around me.

I. hate. injustice.

I literally had so many injust situations thrown into my face in the past two days that I just don't know what to do with them.

Attachment

That's all I see when I walk around campus, people being attached. It is pathetic.

You may be asking yourself, "What are these people attached to?" Well, I'll tell you...

CELL PHONES!
The villain of the 21st century.  All I see is people walking around talking on their cell phones or texting or playing Angry Birds or whatever they are doing because they can't stand a moment of silence or no communication.


Worst part is, I'm pretty attached to my phone too because I want to get a Blackberry that will have my entire life on it. Oh, the good and the bad of technology.